Magical like a Unicorn

These two...sometimes their spirit is so infectious I wish I could bottle it up to have some of it for myself. They feel and express every color in the crayon box completely unfiltered, just the way feelings should be felt and expressed. And when they feel joy and excitement, I want to be right there with them. I want to feel that joy and excitement and childlike wonder instead of always having to be oh so serious mama bear. Ok, I know what some of you are thinking- that I don't have to be oh so serious mama bear. Well, bless your hearts, dear ones, because as most mamas know it can be hard to enter that playful space because it requires you to be mindful, present and in a way, completely unfiltered. You have to let loose. You have to be able to be happy and not worry that because you're feeling happy that means a shit storm is on the way. I know I'm not the only one to feel this way. I'm just finally owning it.


Saying that it can be hard for me to let loose and play as if no one is watching is a bit of an understatement. If I'm being completely honest, I'm qualifiers and minimizing and anticiapatory anxiety and non-stop over analyzing in a cute, ginger haired, human form. So when I'm all up in my headspace, I'm not focused on the playspace. There's not room for it. But lately I've been experiencing a bit of a sea change and am working to calm the chaos in my mind. And as I work to quiet my pretty vicious inner judge and jury, I can hear the joy and laughter coming from my boys more clearly. And there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that sounds better than the belly laughs of children. Especially when they are yours.

One might think that that'd be the catalyst to becoming a more free, playful adult. And it was, sort of. You see, a funny thing happend along my healing journey. I began to feel the longing of my own 4 or 5 or 6 year old self wanting to come out and play. I started to hear and then pay attention to the whispers of that little girl asking to explore and try new things from making up stories to doing silly dances. The 4 or 5 or 6 year old me was asking for a chance to feel, and express herself and play in the way I've allowed my boys to do these things-completely safe and unfiltered. So I gave her the chance. I let her out to play. And in turn she gave me back my sense of curiosity, wonder and creativity.

In September I turned 37. I celebrated by taking the day off from work and having dinner with my family. And for dessert we had a chocolate unicorn cake that I had Happy Birthday Mommy written on in hot pink icing. The cake even had a horn. It was magical...like a unicorn. My boys and I sat together at the dining room table, eating my unicorn cake, chatting, laughing like three kids who didn't have a care in the world.